Moments of lucidity interspersed among my delusional day covered in a haze of sleepless fatigue.

We’re pushing through each minute. And in a moment, the answer becomes clear. So clear, that one wonders how we failed to see it all along.

It vibrates like a little feather in a cylindrical column. Trembling at the slightest of winds. And when the senses are indulged, one can savor that which is the silent perceiver; the eternally pulsating stillness.

Images conjured in meditation or are they but a delirious dream? Within myself, I saw her and I felt her pain. First I saw a part and then I saw her whole. The part was happy while the whole was shaking with an unbearable pain. The Tree and the Earth.

Adding another dimension to reality. But alas! I am blind to the reality within; where an infinite number of dimensions behold the One who is limitless.

A friend

This one goes out to Mervin and his advice when I was faced with a particularly frustrating time at office with endless work, terrible work timings and no rest :D. Yay! I made it out :). I came across this while trying to sort through the files on my laptop and I definitely didn’t want to lose it. So thank you again for being a wonderful friend-

Today I walk with the image of you by my side. Today I walk with a new idea in my mind. Today I am emboldened by your voice in my head. Today I walk with the thought that you have presented me. I know that sometimes we just lament to pretty much everyone we meet. But sometimes we are genuinely stuck and are seeking a way out. That solution comes from places and people who are with us. But when it is not time we just don’t tell them, though we have talked to the entire world. Today, I know that I will find a solution to my problem in a much smoother and effective manner than could have been found by me. Sometimes we just have to talk to a thousand people before we find a solution. The best people are not the ones who lend an ear, they are the ones who offer solutions and goad us towards trying them out. The best people are not ones who listen to your problems and present you with bigger problems in their life. Yesterday, I found out after some thought as to what a busy person means. And my greatest relief lies in the fact that it does not mean slaving away at office all the time. It means, keeping busy, mind and body in something that would result in an upliftment of the society or oneself. I miss so many things that are at a hands reach and are yet unavailable to me. So this is what I want for myself.

Still seeking a way to find my place in this beautiful world. Everything is vague but there is hope :).

 

Chinmaya

Excerpts from July of 2017

Today is Guru Purnima. How cool is that sleeplessness and restlessness should have driven me to walk from my hostel to the mission office. The meaning of hope against hope is so clear. This is a message from the universe ;). Let me not be downcast and depressed for the lack of a mentor. Here I have with me the greatest of teachers. Here I have with me knowledge beyond the ages. Here I have a sign beyond all doubts. Here I stand on the shoulder of giants. I came across a quote today “What you meet in life is Destiny. How you meet it is free will”- Chinmaya. And today I am happy. Words cannot describe the emotions that clouded my mind the minute I saw Gurudev’s sign beyond the Vinayagar idol. A peace beyond what I could have ever hoped for. The security that I very much yearned for. What has not been given unto me. Today I feel complete.

A morning walk turned into a beautiful discovery…Chinmaya Padukakshetra, Dollars Layout, JP Nagar, Bangalore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I must be a self-declared queen of procrastination. Even now as I am grappling with the decision that I will need to make in the next few days, I am procrastinating the most obvious thing to do. Introspection. I know that I cannot find a moment’s rest unless I were to sort out my own ideas and sit down with them. Instead, I keep pushing it away. Essentially, whiling away time. The stage is set, all I need to do is wait. Patience is a hard thing for me. But, nevertheless I do wait in a manner that can in no terms be called graceful. The pending decisions are a matter of an action plan once, the impending matter gets resolved. Today, I’m burning up with a fever and cold. But the mind is disturbed as it always is. It seems to be running towards everything on the outside. I had met Balaji sir and we now await the management’s decision on the fellowship. The project proposed is a very good one. A DST sponsored project is one worth giving one’s time to. JPF3 seems to be taking too long when it should have been long completed. A fast track one whose basic details are still undecided. I have no idea what I am doing with my life and even a single thing I want is going the way I may have envisioned it. It just sunk into my mind yesterday that I may soon be married. I had never really considered the gravity of the situation. I am terrified of too many things associated with the idea of getting hitched. Once the decision from the management comes through, I should plan for the next one almost immediately. And the fact that my career is dependent on marriage is one more concern. Yesterday, I did look up bridal skin care. No, not like another of my wild wild whims at any given time. This one had a bit more of a belongingness associated.

 

Advice from cartoons

I hope this post will be progressively updated because I’m a cartoon enthusiast. I came across this beautiful article written by Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes. The article inspires one to reach out to long cherished hobbies that are close to the heart. One thing that specifically stuck with me was the part where he says that one can get better at writing or painting only by writing and painting. In the end, we advance only through practice. Here’s the link to the amazing article that is now driving me to dedicate time to my hobbies and work on them irrespective of what people may think:

https://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/05/20/bill-watterson-1990-kenyon-speech/

🙂

Trust that breaks you down

I’ve only ever thought that distrust is the only thing that throws people off course. That it would be a lack of trust in someone or by someone in me that would lead to a deeper introspection of myself and my relationships. But, it seems that deep rooted trust in the goodness of a person can also lead to deep learning about ourselves. I was at my native recently and when a topic of doubt came up, I found my uncle and mom vouching for me in ways I had not even dreamt about. I have always looked to myself only in doubt and have never, even for a single moment thought that anyone would be able to just me as well as that. When a single statement can throw you off course and spiral down a path of confusion, if you can find strong hands and warm words lifting you up from the depths that you have allowed yourself to fall, know that this person knows you inside out. Even though an argument may stand that, of course its your mom and like God Himself, how would it be difficult to bare ourselves to Her. But all those who have surrendered their everything to God know that to do so in front of humans, even if they be your own parents is not an easy task. I cannot thank her directly. I don’t know if she will ever come upon a chance to read my blog. But I cannot express the immense amount of gratefulness that comes over me as I see another human understand this pitiful life and the morals it tries to uphold. For that I thank Her and her.

The Ugly Duckling

After the introspection from the FEA inspire I’ve now come back to college to follow that passionate love affair I once had with the 2D mesh of an SRM. Nowhere, of course things are different. My classmates who have always been there whenever I needed them are no longer with me. I’m reminded of a line from a poem ‘Now, the banquet halls are empty’. Ok, the line is wrong. I’ve located the poem and I’ll be adding the same at the end of my ramblings int his page. A beautiful piece by Thomas Moore. I’ve only just started on the work of design and as always my mind is shrieking about what should be the next logical step. It’s been a little more than a week since I joined back at SSN. The entire last week was spent in a sort of depressive silence. I felt that all of a sudden I had become an ugly duckling. Quite literally so. I had gained a lot of weight and hair looked worse than ever. The icing on the cake was that I had developed a severe allergy owing to bed bugs in my hostel room and that just showed up as big red pimples all over my face. The change in weather from Bangalore to Chennai is no easy task. For everyone who knows both places know that its literally self torture to come to Chennai from Bangalore in summer. Being Asian and given my age, the task at hand for all my relatives seems to be my marriage. And here I am, the ugly duckling, now fixated on trying to fix things before a match gets fixed ;).  In case I do transform into a swan I’ll let you know 🙂

Oft, in the Stilly Night

Oft, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber’s chain has bound me,
Fond memory brings the light
Of other days around me;
The smiles, the tears,
Of boyhood’s years,
The words of love then spoken;
The eyes that shone,
Now dimm’d and gone,
The cheerful hearts now broken!
Thus, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber’s chain hath bound me,
Sad memory brings the light
Of other days around me.
When I remember all
The friends, so link’d together,
I’ve seen around me fall,
Like leaves in wintry weather;
I feel like one
Who treads alone
Some banquet-hall deserted,
Whose lights are fled,
Whose garlands dead,
And all but he departed!
Thus, in the stilly night,
Ere slumber’s chain has bound me,
Sad memory brings the light
Of other days around me.
Thomas Moore