Excerpts from July of 2017
Today is Guru Purnima. How cool is that sleeplessness and restlessness should have driven me to walk from my hostel to the mission office. The meaning of hope against hope is so clear. This is a message from the universe ;). Let me not be downcast and depressed for the lack of a mentor. Here I have with me the greatest of teachers. Here I have with me knowledge beyond the ages. Here I have a sign beyond all doubts. Here I stand on the shoulder of giants. I came across a quote today “What you meet in life is Destiny. How you meet it is free will”- Chinmaya. And today I am happy. Words cannot describe the emotions that clouded my mind the minute I saw Gurudev’s sign beyond the Vinayagar idol. A peace beyond what I could have ever hoped for. The security that I very much yearned for. What has not been given unto me. Today I feel complete.
A morning walk turned into a beautiful discovery…Chinmaya Padukakshetra, Dollars Layout, JP Nagar, Bangalore.
I must be a self-declared queen of procrastination. Even now as I am grappling with the decision that I will need to make in the next few days, I am procrastinating the most obvious thing to do. Introspection. I know that I cannot find a moment’s rest unless I were to sort out my own ideas and sit down with them. Instead, I keep pushing it away. Essentially, whiling away time. The stage is set, all I need to do is wait. Patience is a hard thing for me. But, nevertheless I do wait in a manner that can in no terms be called graceful. The pending decisions are a matter of an action plan once, the impending matter gets resolved. Today, I’m burning up with a fever and cold. But the mind is disturbed as it always is. It seems to be running towards everything on the outside. I had met Balaji sir and we now await the management’s decision on the fellowship. The project proposed is a very good one. A DST sponsored project is one worth giving one’s time to. JPF3 seems to be taking too long when it should have been long completed. A fast track one whose basic details are still undecided. I have no idea what I am doing with my life and even a single thing I want is going the way I may have envisioned it. It just sunk into my mind yesterday that I may soon be married. I had never really considered the gravity of the situation. I am terrified of too many things associated with the idea of getting hitched. Once the decision from the management comes through, I should plan for the next one almost immediately. And the fact that my career is dependent on marriage is one more concern. Yesterday, I did look up bridal skin care. No, not like another of my wild wild whims at any given time. This one had a bit more of a belongingness associated.